Winter is a time of retreat, a time for introspection, contemplation, reflection. It invites us to quiet the mind, still the soul and crystallise our inner workings. This is what I wanted but felt that I couldn’t have at a time of year that has also come to mean excessive celebration in the form of presents, food, drink and family time.
I continued to repeat, ‘this should be a time of retreat…’ until in the second week of 2014 I got my wish and was laid low by a flu virus that kept me in bed for about 10 days. My error was in not being clear about my intention and so my retreat came with illness attached.
My ‘inner workings’ crystallised in the form of my flu weavings so maybe there was no error and I was reaping what I had sown…
Weaving I
Through the worst; the world didn’t come to an end but at times I wished it had. Feeling really weak, can’t concentrate, brain like mush but so fed up with lying in bed looking at the rain endlessly falling.
Stuff coming loose, racking cough exhausting me, sore chest…
Weaving II
Ooh that cough! I feel raw inside. The endless coughing like guitar strings being tightened in my chest.
Night time brings it’s own exquisite torture – a tickling cough once let loose hard to contain. I wander the house in the early hours looking for rest on the sofa propped up in a pile of cushions; in a Lemsip; in an affirmation ‘I am in good health, I sleep easily and soundly’; nothing helps…
Weaving III
Time for antibiotics! I rarely take them but the pain in my chest has spread to my ears and throat and I’m losing weight because I have no interest in food.
Time to wave the magic pharmaceutical wand and bring everything back to normal…
Weaving IV
At last things coming back into harmony! I am able to engage in sustained conversation with others on topics other than my flu.
Still feeling tired and weak, thought I could get back to my morning walks but only managed around the block and back to flop on the sofa…
Weaving V
Joined Anthony once again in a trip to the gym this morning but only to sit in the steam room and the jacuzzi. Loved every minute of it, but needed to return to the sofa.
Dizzy spells… I don’t recognise myself in this illness. It’s prolonged and fundamental…
Weaving VI
First of all a loosening and shaking up! Then a letting go and a rawness of having been scrubbed clean – next light -headedness – days of it…
It feels like an emptying out – this flu…
Weaving VII
Nature abhors a vacuum, so once empty the refilling begins…
I want to be in a conscious state of awareness when the creative cycle – think, feel, act, create – begins again. I must remember:
“Watch your thoughts for they become words
Watch your words for they become actions
Watch your actions for they become habits
Watch your habits for they become character
Watch your character for it becomes your destiny”
