I am a weaver of words and threads
This is my legacy
Weaving myself into Being

And through this weaving
Learning to embrace with joy
The eternal goodness kindness
And giving-ness
That I AM

(Written Saturday January 3rd 2015)

Our youngest has flown the nest
Taken herself off to far flung exotic places

My heart both aches and is filled with joy
To see her take flight and soar

And as she climbs her dazzling heights
I am reminded that I do not have to lose sight of her

I too am free to soar
Her soul may ‘live in a place of tomorrow
That I cannot visit not even in my dreams’

But I have my own journeys to make
And my own dreams to fulfil…

(written Saturday January 3rd 2015)

I applied to join the ‘university of family’
I filled out my application form
Some tricky questions
But I answered them all
Sent it off and waited…

Some nine months later I heard from them
My application had been accepted
They were pleased to offer me a place
Would I kindly show up on February 17th to enrol

I was pleased about the place
Couldn’t wait to get started
The journey was an easy one
And there I was Feb 17th
Waiting in the family to begin my course

In the early years I learnt survival skills
The physical and emotional stuff
It was a proud day when this little ego
Was able to stand on its own two feet

I learnt the art of mask making
And the trickier business
Of selecting which one to wear when

Family history was an on-going core module
Which everyone had to take

I must have been successful
Because before I knew it
There I was a proud part of the graduation ceremony
And it was on to the next stage

I had proved that I could look after myself
Now it was time to learn to care for others   
And to make a contribution

I’m not sure why I chose this option
It wasn’t compulsory
Perhaps it fitted well with my family history

It proved however to be more complex
Than I thought it would be
But I’m made of sturdy stuff
And I’m not a quitter
So I knuckled down and kept at it

Husbands children parents siblings
I got to develop my skills knowledge
And experience with them all

I didn’t turn up for the graduation ceremony this time
I’d worked hard and done enough to pass
But the conditioning was wearing off
I wasn’t proud of myself
Felt I could have done better
Didn’t want the diploma

I took a sabbatical to clear my mind
And consider what I wanted from this final stage
I chose my options more wisely

‘Awareness’
‘How to wake up’
‘Expanding your consciousness’
And something that caught my eye
That felt familiar

‘I AM that I AM’…

(written Saturday December 27th 2014)

I have recently come to understand
That I am not living my own life
That there is somewhere
In this gene pool that I inhabit
An old dusty tome entitled
‘Ancestral Tales’
Whose pages hold the stories of things gone before

And every now and then
A breath of air rustles these ancient sheets
And a tale of ‘daring do’ or ‘loss and lack’
Or ‘happily ever after’ is released and settles on me
Like a garment chosen from my wardrobe
To match the mask I will wear this day

I never knew the power of such stories
Thought I held them firmly in their place
-The past –
Not capable of influencing my present

But I have woken up
Become aware of how I have been bewitched
By these potent family brews
Still being created from ancient recipes

I have resolved at least
To hold these tales lightly
And as I cannot stop them being resurrected by others
To create my own pages

On which I write tales such as this
So that others may be set free
To live their own lives…

(written Friday December 26th)

My children have grown me
By both their coming and their going
And I am a better person as a consequence

This has of course
Not always been a comfortable experience
Labour is a painful and messy event
But heralding a most wonderful outcome

Physically emotionally mentally and spiritually
My daughters have put me through it
Time and time again

And each time I have endured
And sought to understand
And become a better person for it

I used to believe that I was the teacher
And they the students
A consequence of conditioning in early parenthood
But that idea is thankfully long gone
And I am set free to learn

And with their help
I am growing into myself
Learning not to stop or settle
For anything less than full consciousness

These days they are more often than not
Kind and compassionate in their teaching
But I know that if I don’t wake up and pay attention
Labour could become a painful and messy affair again…

(written Tuesday December 23rd 2014)

I am not a killjoy or a party pooper
I like a good time as much as the next person
Dining dancing discourse
Bring me a great deal of pleasure

But pleasure comes and goes
Is not sustainable
Appeals to the senses

Joy however is an altogether different experience
If you have walked through the valley of the shadow of death
And sustained no lasting injury
Then your travelling companion was joy

A presence a knowledge that you are never alone
And that however bad things might appear to be
That ‘this too will pass’

I am not immune from sadness
Anxiety and uncertainty are still familiar bedfellows
But take up less and less space in my life
Since I came to realise
That joy is a constant and loyal companion

Always there for me to turn to
And so much more life affirming than my conditioned craving
For pain negativity and unhappiness

When I find myself able to forgive                                                       
This is fuelled by joy
If I choose to press through a difficult situation
Rather than ignore it or pretend that it doesn’t exist
This is because joy holds out a helping hand to me

When I can look in the mirror
And open my heart to what I see there
Joy is responsible

Joy is the steady even pulse to which I always return
And from which I am lived…

(written Thursday December 18th 2014)

There is a sadness and ambivalence
That settles on me at this time of year
An ‘in utero’ gift from my mother

The umbilical a conveyor
Of both nourishment and neurosis
Ancestral stories of abandonment rejection mistrust
Finding their way into the bloodstream

This ‘knowledge’ an expectorant
Causing my system to expel these unwanted intruders

Reinvention is always an optioned so I am cutting the cord
Allowing these ancestral tales to bleed out
Laying down news stories
Of joy acceptance and love
To nourish body and soul…                                                         

Today has not been my finest hour
Bogged down in these old stories
I fell back into bad ways
– Sensory distractions –
A quick fix that never really worked

For a moment I lost my way
And sought to push the accompanying feelings away
To smother them in empty substances

And then Truth came to the rescue
Whispering gently reminding me
‘Breathe deeply
Hold things lightly
Its only a story
This too will pass’

And I am set free
To change my thinking and my life…

(written Saturday November 30th 2014)

I do not wish to deck the halls with boughs of holly
Nor do I believe that this is the season to be jolly
I do not desire artificial light and merriment

At this time of year I welcome the silence and the dark
I enjoy watching the colour drain out of the landscape
Leaving us with the subtle muted tones of green and brown

I crave this same process for myself
A fitting finale to the cycle of the year
I envy nature her truth

I am not afraid of the dark
I do not wish to deny death its moment of glory
Much within me is ready to be committed to the earth
Dust to dust ashes to ashes

Celebration does not always require a fanfare
Let us keep this for long hot fecund days to come Could we not allow ourselves to rest?

To follow natures example and empty out
Lie fallow
Breathe gently like Mother Earth

And wait…

(written Friday December 12th 2014)

To be a carer is to have a powerful magnifying mirror
Held up in front of me
Every blemish every flaw revealed and reflected back to me

I tried at first to blame others “No one offers to help!”
To become angry and indignant “I’m not an only child!
The victim then the martyr “Poor me, I’ll have to do it alone!”
But deep inside I knew – couldn’t pull the wool over my eyes

This was just about me my opportunity to learn
And grow into the self I already thought I was
These unattractive traits a blessing in disguise

I have learnt not to shun the mirror
To accept and be tender with myself
‘I’m doing the best I can’ my mantra at these times
For truly I am

The guilt shame and blame that comes with self-persecution
No longer have me in their grip
In the mirror what I see now is an ever evolving consciousness
Full of love and compassion for its human condition…

(written Saturday December 13th 2014)